Han Week 4
隨著《好感物計畫》開始，我更加注意到這些穿戴物的「操作」
有一種發現是：對耶。我是習慣這樣甩動假髮、我是這樣感受假體在我身上、我是這樣“表演”。
隨著觀看者與操作者的對照（wave 與我）
不斷地探尋-為什麼透過這些操作感覺愉悅、感覺被滿足、感覺有趣？
我便漸漸地產生一個完全相反的感受— 我不知道為什麼感覺愉悅？我不確定什麼被滿足。
I am aware of what I am WEARING when I am in drag after we began this project.
I found that: yeah, it is the way I flip my wig, feel my fake boobs and this is the way I PERFORM all these objects.
Gradually, I found the opposite: As a drag operator, the questions below became tricky:
What makes me feel good when I operate all these objects? What makes me satisfied and fun?
I don’t know what makes me feel good and I’m not sure what do I satisfied with?
也許是一種流動:
『現在是我還是ＨＡＮＮＡＨ。
ＨＡＮ與ＨＡＮＮＡＨ在每ㄧ個瞬間：切換與融合。
如果說ＨＡＮ與ＨＡＮＮＡＨ在某個架構下是性別光譜的兩端
能在這兩端間流動，是否是我被愉悅、滿足的部分？
是否：加上更多我對性別光譜兩極的揣摩與扮演、透過穿戴的物件操作，來達成更多想像與愉悅？是嗎？』
In between
Is there Han or Hannah now?
In every second: they show, then gone and mix.
If Han and Hannah represent the two different sides of the gender spectrum
Am I satisfied or feeling good by flowing between these two?
Then adding more imaginations on different gender images in doing drag, wearing all these objects to get more ‘feeling good’?
透過與剛華的討論，產生另外一個可以去的方向：附體、附身
行動與物件之間的流動，形成一種角色形象的操演。
是否這種附身，在觀看與被觀看間、產生一種超越語言描述的愉悅？
也許是：操作者代替的觀看者的想像？
After the meeting with 剛華, there is another path showed up - embodiment and possessed
The bridge between the object and the operator.
Is there a happiness that couldn’t describe in words?
Or maybe: the operator embodiment the imagination of viewers.
在彼此差異這一點，駐村尾聲，我試圖回憶，來當作一種前進。
以前看到變裝皇后，其實是感覺恐懼。
誇張的外型我先是感受到威脅性、攻擊性、不友善。
而後懂的欣賞不同的“美”，以及ＨＡＮＮＡＨ變得具體後，才開始感覺到舒適。
From the point of the difference from viewer to the operator. I tried to recall my memories.
The very first image of seeing a drag queen is threatening, attacking, and feeling unfriendly from their exaggerating look.
I feel good after I realized that kind of beauty and my drag became clear.
另一個開端：
不舒適
有沒有一個物件的操作、會讓所有人都能體驗、體感到一種舒適？一種共鳴，所有人都能感受到的流動的愉悅感？
Two points for further steps:
First: Feeling not good.
Is there an object that can make everyone feel good? Make everyone feel related to that happiness flowing?
日常生活的更細緻觀察
穿戴物的操作給予身體、身份上另一種詮釋，透過這些“物件”的不同操作
他可以達成另一種“日常生活的表演”方式
Daily life:
All the ways of wearing have the meaning of presenting a character, social state
The exploration of the “The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life”
Wave Week 4
In the past, I was a theater actor. I'm tall and have long hands and feet, so I'm always expected to play certain characters. It seems good, but odd cause the characters are mostly straight males, as if my body was meant for that. I got bored and wanted to do something else. By chance I started writing performing arts review and became a critic. For all kinds of performances, I'm always eager to learn more. I've noticed that when I watch drag shows, I often feel happy. I wondered, what attracted me to the "drag show"? Where does the pleasure of watching a drag show come from?
I was confused, so I chatted with Han a.k.a. Hannah, who has been doing projects of drag in his daily life for a while. He insisted that he had to do all the stuff by himself. For him, using fabrics, metals, plastics and other materials to create his own ideal look and present it to the audience can build up self-confidence and joy in the process. I found that how to wear the objects on the body is the core of whether the drag show can attracted. Therefore, we proposed the "feel Good(s)" project in this residency, trying to talk about drag and objects. When I asked why he started doing, the answer was that he could make money. For him, drag is a tool, and he cares about the relationship between drag and commerce, consumption and commodities.
Drag requires a lot of objects. Most of these objects are standardized products, like fake boobs, wigs, eyelashes. It shows people's consistent pursuit of a beautiful body. Drag uses objects to reinforce this pursuit and explore the limits and possibilities of people's gender, sexuality, and desire. How is desire repeatedly commodified to influence people's imagination of the body? What makes lust so different yet so similar? He proposed that we can imagine the project as a manufacturer which produces pleasant goods. Under the framework of online & onsite residency, we arranged live streamings and invited pleasure consultants. We wanted to chat about the pleasure that is implied in goods. I feel a little stuck because we become looking for the pleasure of objects, but that's not necessarily there.
Later, there was feedback from an online viewer. She said that when we touched, held, grabbed objects with our hands in the webcam, she had a lot of imagination. It reminds me of two things. First, when we met with our facilitator, Kang, he shared his observations on drag shows around the world. The development of drag is likely to be related to the regional structure, the tourism industry and to whom the show is to be seen. How people "perform objects" and then imagine drag may be something we can think about. Furthermore, Han insists on drag by himself, reflecting the relationship between the operator's hands and the objects in the performance. Therefore, we change the direction, and the second live streaming no longer looked for formed products, and how to perform is the focus of our interaction with objects. We discuss the use of objects in our daily life, while responding dynamically through our hands and the constantly deforming clay. In the meeting with Kang, it occurred to me that the feeling of objects between performers and audience should not be independent. The two form an interactive sensory experience in the relationship.
I once wrote in my journal: "Clay not only leaves traces in real time, but also records conscious or unconscious hand movements, and it has also become a medium for our continuous transformation of consciousness and discussion. In the kneading process, the continuous change of color and shape is always the focus of our attention. Therefore, we link together objects that may not be related.” When I asked him why he made a costume with the idea of yellow watermelon, he said he liked green, and he just want to do it. I found that the arrangement of costumes and performances is difficult to explain with clear logic at many times, and there is no need to explain more. Flashy, meaningless, exaggerated connections and expressions are sometimes the key elements that make drag performance groundbreaking, provocative, and blurring the established order. Maybe that's why drag performance attracts me? I'm not sure. However, I feel that the creation of drag is like playing the clay. Drag will always show unknown interest and meaning in the process of constant change.
Our facilitator, Kang, believes that the clay does embody certain ideas of our project, and he senses the queer language. But he‘s curious about the connection with clay and "feel Good(s)". We still don't understand, but while kneading the clay, we accidentally learn that Art Administrative Assistant (AAA) Li-Hong is a manicurist. From the performance of objects to the conversation of clay, we focus on the discussion of objects and hands. I thought why not invite Li-Hong to play. So, we asked her to live-stream and do manicures on my hands. I lived with the manicures they did for two weeks, which was my first experience. Although it's not drag, I have noticed a lot of changes in my hand movements, and there are significant differences in the attitude of others towards me. Hands play an extremely important role in many human contact moments in life, such as having meals, work, communication, and the use of mobile phones. In order to protect the nails from damage, my hand movements have become more detailed and careful. I always have my nails face up and often watch and show. Therefore, whenever I operate, take various objects, or communicate with people, I seem to have another kind of life, as if I am "possessed". Nail art not only changed my look, but gradually changed the way I behaved, even the way I saw myself.
Later, we and Kang talked about the two-way "possession" between the body and objects. Drag is not just the performance of objects as we thought before. The reason why drag shows are attractive is that when people put on the objects, they can show the flowing soul. At the same time, they also give the audience different imaginations of the objects. More importantly, in the state of "possession", the self is not as good as before, but closer to the side that desires to be known. In other words, this project we want to discuss is more likely to be ourselves than external objects. The body is like a piece of unshaped white clay. The color and shape should be fluid and changeable, not fixed. As Han wrote in his journal: "How to wear specific objects or even can , he is giving me the implementation and practice of the role I can have under this social structure and the mode of daily life. The whole day is a ballroom game." I especially feel the same way about the journal.
The residency is close to the end. I haven't yet figured out how the pleasure of watching a drag show comes about. However, I think, from performing objects to thinking about how objects "possess" performers, and even exploring the experience of being possessed or micro-dressing in daily life, it must be an important change and gain during the residency. It seems that the "feel Good(s)" project is just about to start.
Wave週記4
過去，我是一名劇場演員，因為我高，手長腳長，總是有被期待出演的角色。這看起來不錯，不過奇怪的是，那些角色多半為異性戀男性，彷彿我的身體就適合如此。我越演越無聊，想做點別的事。偶然我開始寫演後觀察，意外寫到有評論人的身份。對於各類型表演，我總是渴望了解更多。我察覺到觀看變裝表演時，經常能獲得無比愉悅的感受。我納悶，究竟「變裝表演」哪裡吸引我？觀看當下的好感，到底從何而來？
帶著困惑，我和長期在日常生活中進行變裝計畫的詩翰聊了起來。他有項堅持，變裝全要自己做才行，每件服飾自己車、每頂假髮自己梳。對他來說，使用布料、金屬、塑膠等材料，製作自己理想的造型呈現給觀眾，能在過程中累積自信並感到歡愉。我發現，如何使加諸在身上的物件，有令人愉悅的感受，是變裝表演能否吸引目光的要點。因此，這次駐村我們提議「好感物」計畫，試著從物件切入，探索變裝在今日，高度娛樂化的魅力來源。問起他為何開始變裝，答案是能賺到錢。變裝對他而言就是生活的工具，他在乎變裝與商業、消費、商品之間牽扯的關係。
變換一身造型需用到大量物件。這些物件多半是規格化生產的商品，例如假臀、假髮、假睫毛、服裝材料等。規格的出現，反應人們對於美麗身體的一致追求。變裝即是運用這層想像進行加工與改造，探索人們對於性別、性及慾望的侷限與可能性。慾望是如何一再商品化，又反覆影響人們想像身體？是什麼讓情慾，如此差異又如此相似？他提議，我們能將計畫設想成製造商，為了生產愉悅商品而探究。在虛實駐村架構下，我們邀請愉悅顧問上線直播，希望能聊聊市售商品隱含的愉悅性。我感到有些卡關，因為過程變得像是刻意找尋物件的愉悅感，但那未必存在。
後來有線上觀眾回饋，當我們雙手在鏡頭前摸、握、抓或輕撫物件時，使她產生很多想像。這提醒我兩件事，我們與協作者剛華初次聚會時，他曾分享對世界各國變裝表演的觀察。變裝的發展很可能與區域結構、觀光產業及娛樂的對象有關。人們如何「表演物件」進而對變裝產生想像，或許是我們可以思考的。再者，詩翰堅持變裝親自手作，背後反應操作者的手與物件之間表演的關係。因此，我們調整方向，第二次直播不再尋覓成型的商品，如何表演才是我們與物件互動的重點。我們討論到日常生活使用物件的情況，同時透過雙手與不斷變形的黏土動態回應。與剛華聚會，也讓我想到在表演者與觀看者之間，物件對雙方製造的感受不應獨立看待。反而，透過操演物件，彼此產生某種關係，在關係中形成了交互影響的感官經驗。
我曾在週記裡寫道：「黏土除了即時留下痕跡，紀錄有或無意識的手部動作，也成為我們持續轉化意識與討論的介質。捏塑過程，我們關注顏色與造型流動的表現，不具關聯的物件，便有機會相連在一起。」從黏土經驗回到變裝思考，駐村期間，詩翰曾參與一場變裝比賽。我問他「小玉西瓜」的造型靈感從何而來，他表示喜歡綠色，直覺使他這麼做。我發現，變裝造型、表演的安排，很多時刻難用清楚的因果邏輯解釋，也無需多做解釋。跳耀性、無意義、誇張化的連結與表達，有時正是使變裝表演具有開創性、挑釁及模糊既定秩序的關鍵。或許這就是吸引我的地方？我不確定。不過，我覺得變裝的創造就像在捏黏土，總在不斷流變的過程中，乍現未知的趣味與意義。
協作者剛華認為，黏土確實體現計畫某些想法，他看見性別流動的語言，有酷兒的色彩。但他好奇這與「好感物」的關聯。我們仍不明白，不過捏黏土時，我們意外得知藝術行政助理（AAA）麗虹是名美甲師。從「表演物件」到「黏土對話」，我們專注在物件與雙手的討論，我想何不邀麗虹來玩玩呢。於是，我們找她上直播，與詩翰一起在我手上做美甲。我帶著他們做的美甲生活兩週，這是我的初體驗。雖稱不上變裝，然而我察覺手部動作起了不少變化，他人對我的態度，也有細微卻顯著的差異。舉凡交易、用餐、工作、溝通，許多與人接觸的時刻，雙手扮演了極為重要的角色。為了確保美甲不受損，我的手部動作變得小心翼翼，更加細緻。我總是將指甲面朝上，經常不由自主觀看與展示。因此，每當操作、拿取各種物件，或與人交流時，我彷彿有了另一種生命，像是被「附身」一樣。美甲不只改變造型，也逐漸改造我的行為舉止，甚至是看待自己的方式。
後來，我們和剛華聊到身體和物件雙向「附身」的關係。變裝，不如起初我們所想，只是表演物件。吸引人之處在於，物件上身後，能表現出流動的靈魂，同時也賦予物件不同的想像。更重要的是，在「附身」狀態下，自我已不如以往，但更接近渴望被認識的那一面。也就是說，我們想討論的「好感物」比起外在物件，更可能就是自己。身體就好比一塊未定型的白黏土，顏色與形狀為何，起初應是流動可變的，不該是固定的。一如詩翰的週記所寫：「如何穿戴特定物件、甚至變裝，都在賦予我執行、實踐社會架構能有的角色，及日常生活扮演的模式。整個日常就是一個ball room遊戲。」這段筆記我尤其感同身受。
駐村在這告一段落，雖然，我尚未釐清觀看變裝表演的愉悅感如何產生。不過我想，從表演物件到思考物件是如何「附身」表演者，甚至是探索日常生活的附身或微變裝經驗，這肯定是駐村期間重要的變化與收穫。「好感物」計畫，看來才正要展開。
（Photo provider｜Thinkers' Studio、Photographer｜TshioTiô / CHIOU Chuei-Jen 影像提供｜思劇團、攝影｜邱条影室 / 邱垂仁)
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