Content disclaimer: The following post contains material that may be distressing to some viewers.
Video 1: 14 March 2022
East Coast Park, Singapore
A day at the beach with my firstborn Noah Sanubari and Lily Naluri within me. Recorded by my hubby, Norhaizad Adam.
When I started this residency, my intended collaborator was my 34 weeks baby. Using my pregnant body to exercise my agency. Her name is Lily Naluri. She is a big baby. She is always with me. She moves my body in her own special way. She supports me in our day-to-day adventures together. She organized my life. My best friend, my big baby.
Video 2: 14 May 2022
Waiting for waterbag to burst. Waiting for stronger waves of contractions.
Waiting to give birth naturally.
Waiting, but knowing she’s gone.
Waiting, but not wanting to let go.
On 14 May 2022, I lost her heartbeat.
When I gave birth to her, she looked so peaceful leaving me.
I remember touching her cold cheeks.
The loss of a child is probably the most painful experience a parent can go through. It is at such times of deep sorrow and grief that people often turn to their faith.
Questions after heartfelt conversations with my facilitators, Andrei and Gabbi :
What is the change that I want to see? And why?
Why do I want to confront these issues?
HOW CAN I ...? (in response to the change that you want to see)
How can I translate this confrontation / questions/ awareness to movement?
How can I use this stillbirth experience to question the support given to pregnant mothers, during the prenatal stages?
What are some strategies for action research to develop a reflective practice?
What does it mean to have courage to be vulnerable and be in the centre of your ideations?
Sit with my messiness. Meditate with my stillness.